All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
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[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us