Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
the simulation is moving too fast
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?