You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
You Might Also Like
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”