I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
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There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?