Born to be mild.
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?