*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year