[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
You Might Also Like
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
lmao
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
crazy
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”