My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
how to market bottled water to dads
Pikachu found the lost joint
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.