Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes