Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
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“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.