Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.