My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
i’m still crying at this
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?