An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
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You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
New mindset, who dis?