I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
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I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*