Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”