FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
You Might Also Like
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Just why bro?!
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
finally found a reasonable question
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
All generalizations are stupid.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named