My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
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I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.