JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.