I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My blood type is coffee.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
This took me a second..
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.