Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
You Might Also Like
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans