My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
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I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink