I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
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[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*