I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
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I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too