Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.