I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Fiction has to make sense.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”