i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.