Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
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one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Accurate
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Hey I worked for it too!
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife