I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
reminder
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything