Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Not recommended for beginners.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
can you read it!!??
maan!
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl