New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
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The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I got bills
They’re multiplying
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I bet birds love this building.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet