And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Why I divorced her.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.