*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.