Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Thanks to a fan for this one!