I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”