Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
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Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Support your local cemetery
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it