I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live