Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
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I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
shampoo implies shampee
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Scream sneezers need love too.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though