vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
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I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
#merica
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
This is the one
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.