Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh