local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
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I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑