If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
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Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: they didn鈥檛 have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn鈥檛 have cars
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don鈥檛 count to three
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I鈥檒l have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Wife: i鈥檓 concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.