Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me trying to walk in a dream
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*