Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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nice challenge
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.