“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
road rage
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.