DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
#oldknees
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?