My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*