[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.