I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*