For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I occasionally drink every single night.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds