I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
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A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Sign at work today
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.